Middle of the Night

Okay so it is like 4:00am and I cannot sleep. I had knee surgery about a month ago and so we are both sleeping downstairs. He has been there for me. Trying to help where possible. I love him, but I stil have moments where I wake up afraid.

Tonight I woke up remembering a vacation we took with the boys. We were in a hotel and I wanted to make sure we had an experience swimming, He got on the phone and told me that we were able to go to another one with a pool, because we booked with an online service.

I am awake right now wondering if we actually paid for multiple hotels that day. Isn't that weird. It has been two years....and I am up in the middle of the night wondering if it was real or a lie. I am also now worried about our debt consolidation company. If you asked me yesterday I would tell you how much I love the debt company. They have been easy to work with and got a fantastic settlement on one of our cards, which usually takes a year.

Now I am worried because someone on the radio said most of these companies are a scam. Isn't that weird, we did our research before hand to make sure we found a good company, they have done good work and I am still worried.

I think I know what it is. Because of my knee surgery I am extremely vulnerable, or at least I feel that way. I don't know for certain that everything will be okay, so the dark feelings that I worked to get past seem to resurface now and again.

Comfort: Do you know what my husband said to me the other day. He told me there are 365 fear nots in the Bible. God doesn't want us to fear anything but him.

Hebrews 13:6
So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"

When I am up like this in the middle of the night I start to think of all that they can do to me. But, I can also tell you that over the last year I have clearly seen what God can do for me.

Tonight as I wrote this winds were blowing against the house, rain was falling like hail. I thought abou the new plants we put in the yard today and if they would be destroyed.

Matthew 8:26
He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.

These little bits of insomnia are awful, but it is also a reminder to lean on God. The winds can be rebuked, and God is caring for me and carrying me through this. Holding me and calming the winds of even this financial storm, not allowing it to defeat me, my heart and restoring my sole.

Please pray for us. I will pray for you too. I know those that stumble upon this blog don't do so by accident, but rather by divine appointment. We are in this together, we can help each other through the love from God our father and focus on the importance of what we learn from this, and how he will help us grow. Bless you and I pray for my fellow worry warts that we will rely on God to calm our storms and bring us peace.

Steps together

Things are now on a solid road. I feel like my husband is committed to the family again. As an update I have had knee surgery. It was sad because we don't really have any funds to cover the surgery, but we are just leaning on God. We have learned how to do that like never before.

Our tax return came and we were able to pay off a lot of small bills that we owed on. Plus we were able to pay off our amazing pediatrician who was patient every month.

I have been told that the college will be moving forward and granting m husband his degree. This is another huge blessing.

I can feel the changes all around us. I can say that I am now glad we went through all this. I am closer to God now more than ever before. I have found strength in him when all I felt was shame and loneliness.

Our relationship still has times where it is streched very thin, but I know we are both committed to our vows to God and each other.

More to come... I just felt I need to share the ups, you have all been there for the downs. The silver lining has appeared and God is again overflowing our cup with blesings.

Praise God for turning this disaster into amazing things that demonstrate how much love we have, but also His glory!