Healing in numbers

I can't recall if I have mentioned it on here before but I am currently attending a Men's Bible study on Friday mornings at 6:00AM (yes, 6:00AM). Now those who know me understand that I am not a morning person. For me to get up that early on any day is a miracle and a half, yet each Thursday night, I look forward to it.

The Bible study itself is great. We are working our way through the book of Acts. In addition, it is nice to connect with other brothers in Christ. I recall my first day at the study... I felt welcome and the guys there were nice and I was pleased with the Bible study and subsequent discussion of the reading. Then came prayer request time. I listened as we went around the room and everyone shared things in their life and in others which were in need of prayer. I started thinking about what I was going to offer up for prayer... and then God spoke to me:

Tell them everything that's going on with you.

Ok, God... I just met these guys and you expect me to share the mess I'm in and the problems I'm having? Nah... I'll just tell them we're having a financial crisis and that I'm personally struggling with some issues.

No, you're not listening to Me. Tell them everything.

Ummm... really?

Yes

Alright... if you insist. And so I did. I spilled my guts about the whole thing... the debt, the lies, the porn... everything. I was certain that I would get look after look of disdain and disgust toward my sin. That's not what happened at all. Other men in the class spoke up and said that they had struggled with sexual sin as well and encouraged me to seek victory through Christ.

Wow. For all of the sorrow and shame associated with sexual sin, for all of the times I thought I was in the heavy minority for my sin... those feelings were unneccesary. I was not alone in having this problem. I was not a lone scumbag in a sea of perfect God-fearing men... that was how it felt for so long and, yet again, transparency set me free.

Throughout the past couple of years, there were numerous times when I seriously questioned my salvation. I figured that if I was truly saved, I would not be able to live with such strong sexual sin. Satan introduced that one little word that is really incredibly huge: IF. Much like when he tempted Christ in the desert... IF you are the Son of God, IF you worship me, and again IF you are the Son of God. Each time, Jesus responded with the Word of God. Then I recalled the following verse:

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus - Romans 8:1

I know Christ and Christ knows me. I asked Him into my heart long ago and the Holy Spirit dwells there to guide and protect me. God saved me in spite of my sin and has been working with me ever since to remove any part of me that is impure in His eyes and I praise Him for it.

Healing and Past Demons

I continuously reflect upon the past couple of years. In some cases, I am trying to make sense of my actions and how I couldn't see the harm I was bringing upon my family. In other cases, I am making myself aware of where I have come from and what God has helped me to recover from.

Today, we received some information that was very unexpected with regards to a government refund we are supposed to be getting from the Dept. of Housing and Urban Development (HUD). We had originally sent in the paperwork about three years ago for this refund. As of November of 2007, we still had not received it. I contacted them and they did not have record of the paperwork we had submitted two years prior. I resubmitted the paperwork and for the next nine months was told by them that it was being processed, then had been processed, and that a check should be 'mailing out anytime.' Well, as of August of this year, still no payment and the person (Dorothy) I had been talking to, was no longer with the department.

On 8/15, we discovered that the form we had submitted was missing the notary seal and we were given a new form to have signed and notarized. We did so and faxed the document back in. I received confirmation that they got the form and was told it would be within three to four weeks before a check was sent out.

As of two weeks ago, I called and was told that it had been processed and approved and we should be receiving a check within a week. As of today (9/23), no check.

I called their department this morning to give them one last shot before I took the issue to the director. The woman I talked to said that they did not have any record of our paperwork. At the same time I had called, my wife had called to find out what was going on as well.

Do you see the dilemma, yet?

I had been telling my wife the information that I was getting from HUD. As far as she and I knew, everything was hunky dory and we were just waiting on a check. Then on the same day, at nearly the same time, we got the news that the department had nothing.

Now where do you think my wife went with the situation? Exactly the place anyone in her position would go: that I was lying about it among other things and I had not changed my ways.

I am the first to admit, my track record sucks eggs. I spent 2-3 years of our marriage hiding the most piddly of things from her (there was big stuff, too... but if you have read through this blog, you know what I mean). I would assume the exact same thing if I were her.

My first response is to get frustrated. From my perspective, I have put the old me behind me. I'm not that person anymore and have nothing to hide from my wife. I expressed that frustration with her over the phone. Then, in a moment of grace and clarity, I remembered one simple thing: I am in charge of me--that is all. I know where I stand in all of this. I know what is true and what is not. I must hold to the truth and allow my wife to work through this on her own. I must treat her with love and grace and allow her the time and emotion necessary to come to trust me.

My wife said it best last night

This all happened slowly and over time, not overnight. I found out about all of this overnight.

I need to have the grace to let things sink in and simply treat her with love and respect along the way. God will handle the rest.

Steps to getting out of debt

Okay I have been reading some books to get a grasp on things and to learn the best way to get out of this mess. The first book is Debt-free by 30. Not at all a boring money book. It uses humor and personal stories to be encouraging and laugh as you make changes. The book I am reading now is a 9 step book by Suze Orman. I just adore her. I loved watching her show even before I knew we had a financial problem. She sees people and life not just numbers.

After organizing the bills and prioritizing and re-prioritizing the expenses we needed more. First we set goals. Christmas money, paying off certain bills, what our credit score should be. Next to this list of goals/dreams we typed how we would reward ourselves when this is accomplished. Like family trip to the zoo, cheap date, expensive date, have a party, etc. The list was very fun to make and the rewards should save us from the fall of "We worked so hard we deserve to buy something." When in reality we may not have made the goal or we shouldn't spend

Then we looked at our childhood and how we got our beliefs and fears about money (this is in Suze's book) When I was a child I had to get glasses very early, and kids were very mean to me. I cried myself to sleep night after night. In the 4th grade I got contacts. Over $200 per eye, but my parents knew I was responsible. In Jr. High before a dance I tore one in half and was devistated. My dad was very angry. It turned out not to be my fault the contact was over a year old and was week. From an early age I learned that I was expensive to make pretty.

In highschool perms, make up and hair product I averaged out to be $40 a month. I knew I would be expensive as an adult and wondered if I could ever find a husband that could afford me. Since I didn't think I could afford myself. This was only made worse by the fact that I was my dad's first born girl. He was not accustomed to the cost of dance dresses and hair dos. My very first dance I bought a dress for about $50. This is a great price compared to the other formals I saw at stores. By the time prom came around. My father said no, brought home two dresses from a co-worker and told me to choose one. I did, but as everyone else was out buying their dresses and shopping with their mom's I felt like I was missing out on something. My mother did go shopping with me two years later for a dress, and I had my hair done and jewlery and shoes, so I wasn't deprived, but I thought I was.

When my younger sister reached highschool she bought a new dress from a bridal shop every dance, always had her hair done, and always had makeup. She was gorgeous, a cheerleader and on homecoming court. I felt that she was always the prettier one, and that my parents were willing to help her get ready for dates more, because she was well... gifted with her looks. She was also athletic, smart and has the best heart of anyone I have ever met.

Because of this money for me is a way to be okay. To look alright. My new purse, cute outfit, or makeup is crucial to me. I still have adult acne, but can't afford to fix it. I am heavier since having a baby. I still need to lose 15lbs. I can't afford to have my hair styled and highlighted or my eyebrows waxed.

I always feared not being able to afford an okay look for myself. I felt my worth was in maintaining at least a somewhat descent appearance. I thought if I couldn't maintain looks, people would see me as a uneducated, personal that leaches of off society rather than having any responsibilites. Now I have to face that fear. My looks do not define me. I define my looks. My parents didn't do anything wron raising us. My fears are based on my perception of my life. Using money to make up for low self esteem doesn't work. You can't buy self esteem. Now I have to face my looks, and money situation and also become strong in who I am, and not think I can buy who I want others to see me as. It is a challenge, but at least I can identify there fear.

It ties in strangely with the porn problem. Those women look beautiful, but money doesn't buy self worth. And the attention that was given to their images cannot change who I am. It can affect my husbands perception of me, and my perception of myself. So now I know what my personal battle is. I will have to define who I am and how I look, instead of hiding behind money to define who I want to look like.

Amazing Blessings

So right after all this happened I called the Hospital where a few weeks prior I had given birth to our daughter. In the midst of everything my husband told me he had sent in the COBRA paperwork, but had actually missed the deadline. That meant our little one was born uninsured. I was really upset, all that needed to be done was for the form to be sent in.

The Hospital was so compassionate. They informed me the bills that were due there were not just from the birth, but also from my last pregnancy, ear surgery on my son, and a broken arm I had surgery for.

I was in tears, so many of those thing I thought had been paid. They sent me a packet of paperwork to report everything, our bank balances, budgets, expenses, credit reports. It took quite a while to sort through all the bills and get an accurate view of everything. It was quite a realization looking at the forms. Our credit card bill payment each month was more than 50% of what my husband brought home, and that was just minimum payments. I reported all the services we canceled like, Satellite and various services we do our self. Down to details like dry cleaning.

Today we got a letter from the hospital. They have a charity fund. They have forgiven all of the bills. God is amazing. We never saw this coming. There are still doctor bills and expenses. We still have collections and even legal summons for some of this debt. By God's grace we were given this gift.

We are rebuilding our trust in each other. I get to see my children play everyday. I have passion again for my husband, my job and the joys of parenting. I can see miracles all around. This was a huge grace, but there have been many blessings on this road, the dark times are very scary, but God has never left our side.

He is right there with us as we suffer, cry and at times feel discouraged and hopeless. He picks our head up from the sin and shame and carries us when it feels like all is lost. We could not fight any battles in this alone. The blessings from others and from God's grace are so abundant. God can take the most horrible sins and problems and turn them into learning experiences that you are so grateful you got to experience.

Praise be to God in the high and lows. Thanks be to him for the forgiveness and relief of the shame that came with this process.

Thanks for sharing in our blogs, you are in our prayers too if you are in a similar debt or addiction journey.