Steps to getting out of debt

Okay I have been reading some books to get a grasp on things and to learn the best way to get out of this mess. The first book is Debt-free by 30. Not at all a boring money book. It uses humor and personal stories to be encouraging and laugh as you make changes. The book I am reading now is a 9 step book by Suze Orman. I just adore her. I loved watching her show even before I knew we had a financial problem. She sees people and life not just numbers.

After organizing the bills and prioritizing and re-prioritizing the expenses we needed more. First we set goals. Christmas money, paying off certain bills, what our credit score should be. Next to this list of goals/dreams we typed how we would reward ourselves when this is accomplished. Like family trip to the zoo, cheap date, expensive date, have a party, etc. The list was very fun to make and the rewards should save us from the fall of "We worked so hard we deserve to buy something." When in reality we may not have made the goal or we shouldn't spend

Then we looked at our childhood and how we got our beliefs and fears about money (this is in Suze's book) When I was a child I had to get glasses very early, and kids were very mean to me. I cried myself to sleep night after night. In the 4th grade I got contacts. Over $200 per eye, but my parents knew I was responsible. In Jr. High before a dance I tore one in half and was devistated. My dad was very angry. It turned out not to be my fault the contact was over a year old and was week. From an early age I learned that I was expensive to make pretty.

In highschool perms, make up and hair product I averaged out to be $40 a month. I knew I would be expensive as an adult and wondered if I could ever find a husband that could afford me. Since I didn't think I could afford myself. This was only made worse by the fact that I was my dad's first born girl. He was not accustomed to the cost of dance dresses and hair dos. My very first dance I bought a dress for about $50. This is a great price compared to the other formals I saw at stores. By the time prom came around. My father said no, brought home two dresses from a co-worker and told me to choose one. I did, but as everyone else was out buying their dresses and shopping with their mom's I felt like I was missing out on something. My mother did go shopping with me two years later for a dress, and I had my hair done and jewlery and shoes, so I wasn't deprived, but I thought I was.

When my younger sister reached highschool she bought a new dress from a bridal shop every dance, always had her hair done, and always had makeup. She was gorgeous, a cheerleader and on homecoming court. I felt that she was always the prettier one, and that my parents were willing to help her get ready for dates more, because she was well... gifted with her looks. She was also athletic, smart and has the best heart of anyone I have ever met.

Because of this money for me is a way to be okay. To look alright. My new purse, cute outfit, or makeup is crucial to me. I still have adult acne, but can't afford to fix it. I am heavier since having a baby. I still need to lose 15lbs. I can't afford to have my hair styled and highlighted or my eyebrows waxed.

I always feared not being able to afford an okay look for myself. I felt my worth was in maintaining at least a somewhat descent appearance. I thought if I couldn't maintain looks, people would see me as a uneducated, personal that leaches of off society rather than having any responsibilites. Now I have to face that fear. My looks do not define me. I define my looks. My parents didn't do anything wron raising us. My fears are based on my perception of my life. Using money to make up for low self esteem doesn't work. You can't buy self esteem. Now I have to face my looks, and money situation and also become strong in who I am, and not think I can buy who I want others to see me as. It is a challenge, but at least I can identify there fear.

It ties in strangely with the porn problem. Those women look beautiful, but money doesn't buy self worth. And the attention that was given to their images cannot change who I am. It can affect my husbands perception of me, and my perception of myself. So now I know what my personal battle is. I will have to define who I am and how I look, instead of hiding behind money to define who I want to look like.