Blessings and honest discouragement

There have been blessings everyday that we have experienced together. I had prayed that God would help me to see his miracles and that he was there for us without having to go through too many of those right there at the last minute type things. He did, my Dad had given us that money, he said we might need it. I was praying that God would help me know where to spend the money. What bills, needs for our family, food, etc. I was very discouraged by the battery because it took money I thought should go somewhere else. But, that wasn't the case, this money was an answer to the prayers I asked for. We already had the miracle given to us day earlier, I just hadn't realized it. The money was there for the problem, it was never intended for the other things I thought it should go to.

I do need to express some discouragement I have had and need prayer for. I have glasses, I am very farsighted and I wear a very high prescription. I had ordered contacts 6 months ago, but they were on back order until a few weeks ago. Well they went to clear and there is no money in the account, so the order was canceled. It makes me sad because with this addiction comes the fact that my husband really enjoyed the assets of other women. In fact I know he was a fan of a few people in particular. To me this feels like a relationship, even if it is only a one sided relationship. I am not threatened by these other women's bodies. I have a degree in marketing, I understand it is okay for others to be beautiful, and that photoshop touches up photos in amazing ways. I am not jealous of their beauty. I am saddened for the circumstance that they have to share their beauty with everyone else through the online photos (including my husband, but that was his choice.)

My body no longer looks like it did before it had children. It breaks my heart that my husband can't see how the changes are good. I know he finds me pretty, but the changes in my body he had a hand in. I carried our 3 children. I had 4 pregnancy's (little Kayden is in heaven we lost the pregnancy very early). It was a blessing to be pregnant and have our little ones. My body is changed forever because of it. In 1,000 years someone would be able to look at my bones and still be able to determine that I had children. He will never have a relationship with those women online or those pictures like what we have. They are not willing to give the physical changes that I have. They don't know his name, his heart, or care about him, they never will. I do, I am here for him despite his addictive need for them. I am the one that finds joy in raising our children together with him. I know he is aware of that, but I wonder...men are so visually wired...can he ever understand that his physical and spiritual battle takes away from our closeness and breaks our unity that is essential for the everyday occurances and events that married couples require. We our having to rebuild trust and our relationship in order to meet the needs of our relationship and family. I am so angry that this focus on someone else's beauty has come around 180 degrees so that now I cannot buy the things that I think bring me beauty. I know that the correct way to think is that beauty is within, but I think sometimes that is harder to live and accept when I am talking about myself.

I did watch a cartoon of the kids today where it talks about the orphanage that survived only on prayer and God's glory. That is what we are surviving on now, and really what we always have been even if we didn't realize it.

I am sure there is a lesson about myself that I will learn from this. I will have to accept myself even with the glasses. I will have to learn my husband and I can't and never have provided for ourselves or our family and that when I am angry an hurt I can lean on God even harder. God won't get angry with me over my own anger even though I know that it lacks grace.

Honey if you read this I am sorry, to post the sad and angry problems of the heart as well, even though it can hurt to voice it or hear it, but I want the information out there, to help me heal, and so that others don't look at this and get a fake show of all happiness, we all hurt and it is okay to get upset. There are down moments and days and we have to go through those too. I hope you understand how much I love you and how much I know we can work through this.